The pandemic has been a whole new time of giving-zero-fucks, and for me that’s looked like a sort of survivalist hedonism. I’ve been reaching for comfort sex toys, proven winners, rather than toys I’m indifferent toward or feel obligated to test. This is what I call “recreational masturbation,” and I need it. It’s my middle finger to capitalism — and a love letter to myself.
Quarantine has led me to redefine self-care in my mind, finally allowing masturbation to be included instead of subjugating it to my job. I’ve given myself permission to use low-effort dildos and consistently effective vibrators when I’m not up for theatrics or fickleness. I’ve enjoyed stress-relieving quickies, indulgent sessions, and cathartic squirting. I’ve worked to stay in my body with stimulating gels, soothing materials, and playful experimentation. Incredibly, through that experimentation, I achieved multiple sexual breakthroughs.dig this
Coping, for me, has meant reminding myself that pleasure is of my own invention.
I bonded with some tried-and-true favorites during lockdown, but I also discovered glorious new things — and then I clung to them like Kate Winslet on a waterlogged door.
These are my orgasmic tools of choice when the world is crumbling around us.
Too dark?
An astonishingly affordable, rumbly vibrator with extra reach.
(We-Vibe/WOW Tech) Romp Hype rechargeable vibrator lying on a platter patterned with lemons.
The breakout hit of the pandemic: the unassuming Hype.
The first time I tried the Romp Hype, I ambushed my partner in the kitchen afterward. He was barely awake and heating up coffee; I was maniacally shoving a vibrator in his face and insisting “FEEL IT!” Having just experienced the toy and subsequently googled its price, I was dying to proselytize. The vibrations were not only rumbly; they were shockingly powerful.
“Dude,” I breathed in disbelief, “this thing is only $35!”
That kind of incredulousness is rare for me, so it tells you a lot about how extraordinary the Hype is. What can I say? My clit knows it when she feels it. (That is the first time I’ve gendered my clit and… I don’t know how to feel…) ANYWAY, a rechargeable vibrator I can wholly recommend at this price point? Yo. Bust out the ridged chips, scrub down your bathroom, and lay out the COVID tests. We’re throwing a party.
If you’re looking for a toy that eases into things, this ain’t it. The Hype starts at an intensity closer to mid-level on other vibrators.1 Then, its 6 steady settings incrementally bump up in power. No wild leaps, just how I like it, and no high-pitched bullshit. The first setting is enough to make me come; the last setting shoots me into the atmosphere.
A rechargeable vibrator I can wholly recommend at this price point? Yo. Bust out the ridged chips, scrub down your bathroom, and lay out the COVID tests. We’re throwing a party.
To me, the Hype is obviously perfect for clitoral stimulation. I fell into a rhythm easily, using its elongated shape to access my clit without reaching. The toy’s length keeps the vibrations isolated near the tip, and its firmness requires no extra pressure like toys with flexible necks. You can fantasize about humping someone’s leg really easily with this vibe. Just, uh, an idea. A totally untested idea.
Internally, the Hype is uninspiring, slightly pointy, and hovering close to “just a rod” territory. The lack of curve equals minimal G-spot stimulation. It’s sort of a flip of the We-Vibe Rave: the Rave’s G-spot targeting is out of this world, but the Hype is 2x more powerful, cheaper, rumblier, and more ergonomic for external use. Pretty remarkable, considering I love the Rave.
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Oh my god, I haven’t even told you the best part. THE HYPE LASTS 2.5 HOURS ON A CHARGE. The longevity! The sheer longevity! You could masturbate to six episodes of Nathan for You in that time, though I don’t know why you would.2 It’s reassuring to know this vibrator will not peter out at the worst possible moment. Your orgasms are safe with it.
To be an informed consumer, you should know: the power button is fickle, there’s no travel lock, and a single button cycles through the settings, so there’s no way to reduce intensity. My beloved Sassy is rumblier and has a wider range of intensities, both low and high, but it lasts half as long on a charge and costs twice as much. (Recent price increase. I blame the apocalypse.)
The Hype is backed by a generous 2-year warranty, and its charging cord has a yellow tip. Hell yes! I can actually find it in my mass of black and white spaghetti!
I became quite attached to the Romp Hype during the pandemic. When I unboxed it, I assumed it was just another milquetoast, assembly line vibrator. But after one use, I knew it was special. It gave me unwavering satisfaction on long nights, never running out of steam. It accompanied me to sex parties. It proved itself again and again.
Now the Hype lives in the top drawer of my desk, nestled amongst vibrator royalty. At $35, it is by far the least expensive toy in there. Thirty-frickin’-five. For the price of a white noise machine, you could instead have an orgasm machine. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.
Get the Romp Hype at SheVibe, Lovehoney (international), Spectrum Boutique, Peepshow Toys, She Bop, or Good Vibes.
The Romp Beat is also impressive, especially for $25. It’s rumbly, but the vibrations feel more buried than the Hype’s and buzz my fingers more. It’s bigger than it looks, too.
I Play Mimi Soft
A powerful, pebble-shaped mini vibe that’ll never die on you.
Je Joue Mimi Soft rechargeable vibrator on a platter advertising how to "make good money on the internet!"
The Je Joue Mimi will not help you make money on the internet, except in my case.
Many moons ago, I gave the original Je Joue Mimi a pretty rude review. It was semi-warranted: my first one was defective, the motor seemed untrustworthy, and the buttons were a nightmare. But I reviewed it the literal year it was released, a friggin’ decade ago. My vendetta led me to file the Mimi away in my head as Not Worth It, but then… I tried the present-day version.
Now, I will gladly eat my hat. I’ll devour it, even. Because holy fucking shit, the Mimi is extraordinary. Unbelievably rumbly, powerful as fuck, and shaped for versatility, with a motor that goes on and on and on, like the song that never ends.
Apparently Je Joue updates their products quietly. Many are on their fifth or sixth versions, but you’d never know it because they don’t launch a cringy horn-tooting marketing campaign with each new one. They don’t tell consumers at all.
That’s the story of how I found myself with the Mimi Soft sideways against my clit, eyes wide like the flushed face emoji, wondering why I’d gone so long without this.
The motor in the Mimi is everything. Its purr is undeniable — both aurally enticing and clitorally satisfying. It flutters, reverberating against my vulva, spoiling me with the depth of vibration. Clicking into higher settings, another thing becomes apparent: the Mimi is not here to make friends; it’s here to incite orgasms. This toy may look plain and unassuming, but under the hood, there’s a motor that is exceptionally powerful for its size.