Why men don't buy sex toys – and why it's okay to blame our tools

Oe all know the expression “boys and their toys”. But have you ever wondered why we never talk about “boys and their sex toys”? Men love gadgets. Men love to artificial vagina. Men also like to spend money on random, useless stuff and talk to death about it. So, is there a strong buzz surrounding the male sex toy fleshlight industry? Absolutely not. A middle-aged bike enthusiast might buy seven different pieces of lycra to make them ride faster, but no piece of silicon to make them cum harder. What is that ? While it's not strange that women recommend cool products like Doxy wands or suction toys to each other, the only masturbation advice i ever got from a man was to sit on my hand until it went numb. We live in a world where capitalism has managed to invade literally everything on earth, but still hasn't managed to get a hold of the handjob market? None of this makes sense to me.

To be precise, I'm talking about toys intended primarily for solo use. Aids in masturbation. And it's certainly not true to say that allmen don't buy toys. Men who have sex with men, for example, are generally much more progressive when it comes to normalizing the use of sex toys. Just last week a friend of mine went to a famous gay lifestyle store to buy a cock ring. He got advice, got to try a few, got one-on-one help in the locker room — and it was, you know, just a shopping experience. Not serious. Gay men are more likely to be marketed in cock rings, dildos, stretchers, girdles – and, yes, personal pleasure toys such as onaholes and masturbators. Elsewhere there is a growing range of toys for trans and non-binary people, such as push-ups for trans-mask people, designed to work on anatomy under three inches. As a pansexual man, I see attitudes towards sex toys from across the sexual spectrum and I'm honestly a little puzzled (but not judgmental or sneering) that men who only have sex with women have such a weak appetite for trying toys. Much of this, by the way, is influenced by Liz Truss. i see attitudes towards sex toys from across the sexual spectrum and i'm honestly a little puzzled (but not judgmental or sneering) that men who only have sex with women have such a low appetite to try toys. Much of this, by the way, is influenced by Liz Truss. i see attitudes towards sex toys from across the sexual spectrum and i'm honestly a little puzzled (but not judgmental or sneering) that men who only have sex with women have such a low appetite to try toys. Much of this, by the way, is influenced by Liz Truss.

I have a theory that I like to call “trickle down wankonomics”. It starts with the pandemic, which has created a gigantic sales boom. Poppy Scarlett , a sex educator who runs online sex toy retailer Self and More , has seen this incredible growth up close: “We were seeing spikes every time a new lockdown was announced. Orders from the first lockdown alone increased by 508%. In all areas: anal, vibrators, weird stuff, partner toys, solo toys – all of it. Scarlett herself bought her first sex toy from a pub toilet vending machine when she was 16. “I used it so much that the springs came out of the mechanism. Anyway, with so many new sex toys in circulation after the big Covid craze, I really thought exposure to them would rub off on men. Anecdotally, so many men who have slept with women have spoken to me in recent years about using their toys during sex – to the point where rods and balls have become an integral part of their sex life. Yet no one had thought of buying a toy. Like most trickle-down theories, the logic was flawed. I sincerely find this lack of curiosity, well, curious.

Comparing the sales of toys aimed at men with those aimed at women is widely seen as a bit redundant – the concept being that while most men can “hit one” in the time it takes to say “the cakes of Tunnock's tea", the physiology of women means that they often require time and, above all, toys to reach orgasm. Scarlett takes a side view of this, however, based on the fact that “a lot of the statistics that tell us how long it takes for a woman to cum are based on penis-in-vagina sex. This means that even our understanding of how long it takes to reach orgasm comes from a male perspective. It's not that it's necessarily "harder" for a woman to have an orgasm, it's just that there is a lack of knowledge about how people with vulvas need to receive pleasure. It's not difficult,” she says wryly, “if you know what you're doing.There are a million very deep-rooted reasons why the majority of men have traditionally said no to personal pleasure accessories. Take the English language, which is a beautiful thing, even when it is horribly ugly. Some of our boldest swear words — wanker, jerk, wank, jizzrag — all stem from the act of male masturbation. Who would spend a penny to become a bigger peerwanker? Most men also feel like they already have the best fucking tool – in the form of their hand. Masturbation is the only form of manual labor that people aren't arrogant or stuck up for yet. Plus, men have always been surprisingly inventive when it comes to handjobs. Even the most average of men can display Leonardo's imagination and the steely focus of an Olympic archer when it comes to stealth pleasure. A friend of mine used to have sex with a full bath, his members keeping him hovering on top like a scared cat. I once heard the story of someone drawing their own pornography.

By contrast, female toys are considerably more refined and ambitious than a crusty old packet full of spunk. They are well designed, sport beautiful colors and come in soft shapes and ergonomic curves. “There has been a big trend in the industry,” explains Scarlett, “toward the marketing of female sex toys and masturbation as a form of self-care. The idea of putting on sexy underwear or candles before jerking off. We haven't really seen that for men yet. The drift of female sex toys into the safe, Instagram-compliant world of wellness — where cool, successful women like Dakota Johnson, Cara Delevigne and Lily Allen all have a line of toys — has been profound.

Still, Argos would probably never flog most male toys on their site, as most are honestly grotesque. It has always been so. The sex doll is probably the most enduring male helper in history - and I'm trying not to worry about my Dell typing this -. 16th century French sailors made voyage checkersfrom old clothes. Hitler apparently supplied synthetic sex toys to his soldiers fighting in France (blonde and blue-eyed, obviously). These days, a quick Google seems to show that unless you have deeply pedophile tendencies, most sex dolls probably aren't for you. Moving on, the Fleshlight and the Fleshjack are now the most well-known toys for people with penises. First developed in 1998 (its original patent then called it a 'discreet sperm collection device', which is delightful, isn't it?), a Fleshlight is a manually operated penetrable sleeve , with an inner liner that you soak in hot water, lubricate and then use. It's probably the most socially acceptable male sex toy ever, and yet, thanks to its modeled vaginal or anal opening, it still has that feeling of keeping a disembodied body part in your drawer. Even if you don't have lingering religious shame around masturbation, chances are you'll feel shame if someone opened your drawer and discovered your anus on a stick.

But that is starting to change. Scarlett points to a small, growing wave of better-designed men's items that reflect both the less gendered and less anatomical trends seen in the predominantly female market. “Brands like Tenga make very designer toys. They come in more abstract geometric shapes, which you might have on display and people wouldn't necessarily know they are sex toys. There's also a rise in tech-focused brands such as The Handy, which is an automated sleeve that can be controlled by someone else remotely, or synced to video to reflect all the shots seen on screen. 'screen.

Yet despite these new advances, there is still the lingering sense that most male sex toys are – no matter how well-designed – physical manifestations of the lingering sense of shame and inadequacy that once was tied to the masturbation. I feel like we men have to get our heads together a bit first. We need more open conversations, better sex education (including around masturbation). Heterosexual men would especially need to learn from women and gay men about their use of sex toys. Unless we change a bit ourselves, our sex toys will forever be trapped in a vortex of novelty and gadgetry – like a sheath that can act as a remote control for a drone.

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